At A Moments Notice...

I have been absolutely miserable lately. Useless, and just madd. Not ordinary madd, madd-madd, like Edgar Allen Poe madd. Frustratingly madd. And believe me, there's nothing worse than a madd pisces, nothing. It's like all of a sudden your bestest friend in the whole-wide-world is telling you to go fuck yourself, promptly. I think in the last month or two I've cut about 800 people off. Okay I'm exaggerating, but you know what I mean. I've severed quite a few relationships. It's not that I wanted to, some I had to. People are strange. Or is that just me?

The point is, I'm madd, and it's beginning to take it's toll on me. Does this shock you? Or do you not care? Are you even reading this? Wait, who the hell am I talking to? See...I told you I was madd.

I think all of this is coming about as a result of my pending birthday. Every year around this time I become this raging lunatic trying to figure out if I've wasted another twelve months of my life. Did I do this? Did I do that? Oh God please tell me...am I a loser?

I'm telling you, my brain is warped.

Psstt...let me ask you something...have you ever thought you were, you know schizo? Ever catch yourself answering your own questions? Ever...actually listened to yourself? I mean really listened to yourself? What did you learn?

Today I sat down and asked myself the question I had been dodging for a little over a month now: Do the little things in your life work? I was both surprised and appalled by the answers. And then, for just a split second I thought: What if how I dressed, ate, or even lived my life, was exactly how I wanted it to be, with little to no fear of how others thought it should be or even perceived it to be...could the little things work then? Could I marry Sdot then?

I think so, the voice affirmed. I really do think so.

So, I'm talking myself. For the first time in a long time. Tomorrow's topic: What are you willing to sacrifice to be who you really are?

I'll let you know how it goes.